chaosdaily - my �pusher� has hooked me on Sims2. This is why I haven�t taken you up on the pogo thing yet � I get helplessly addicted to these things and all semblance of a responsible mature adult goes right out the window!

In all seriousness now - I had a really rough night this past weekend. It has inspired me to share my little dark secret here. I�m hoping you�ll not laugh at me. Most people do. In fact, they usually think I�m joking, and most of the time it�s easier to just say �Ha, gotcha� then to try and impress upon them the reality.

I am terrified of the dark. And �monsters.� And all other sorts of nasties that haunt me.

I know it sounds silly. I am a grown adult. I should be over this stuff. But in all fairness, my parents/aunts/uncles thought I was some sort of fun novelty when I was young and impressionable, and on nights I wasn�t eating all my dinner, my Step Dad would call up one of his friends, could be the Incredible Hulk, or maybe the Boogie Man, and would let them know I wasn�t eating my dinner, and would make arrangements for them to be under my bed � 8pm sharp, since that was my bedtime. I would literally make myself throw up as I desperately tried to shovel food into my mouth so they wouldn�t come get me.

They would tell me Mickey Mouse was at the door, and as I ran towards it to great the coolest mouse ever, they would tell me that the Hulk had him. I would be in tears calling to Mickey from around the corner to just come inside and I would save him.

To keep me out of a room when they wanted privacy, they would tell me the window would get me. Just so happened the wind cooperated and violently shook the windows at that moment, sending me screaming down the hall.

We purchased an old schoolhouse, built in 18-something. They told me the old lady who lived there before us had killed her husband and put him in the piano in the basement. They also told me there was a horrible fire, killing lots of children, and that sometimes you could hear the kids screaming at night.

Nobody sensored my viewing - I watched Cujo when I was 7. Pet Cemetery when I was 10. And there was Poltergeist, Friday the 13th, and all sorts of other horrific films that a young child with an overactive imagination should NOT be permitted to watch. Yeah, I know they are cheesy films now � but back then � they terrified me. Especially The Unamable:



Based on a story by H.P. Lovecraft. This movie fucked me up. Seriously. Every time I walk past a window *still* I give it a second look, and wonder what�s there. Enjoy the image - it won't be here long - can't deal with it.

*shudder*

Most women my age go out at night, and they are worried about sex predators, thugs, etc. Not me. I�m worried about what creature with fangs and red eyes and claws is waiting to eat me. I would have a heart attack if I was left alone in the woods or a field at night. The panic would just completely overcome me and I am sure I would die of it.

I also worry about nasty spirits and such. I had a close friend once tell me that I needn�t be afraid � they exist in the spirit world, I exist in the physical, and as such they could not hurt me. Yeah. Right. I saw *that* movie � I *know* what they can do. I've been irresponsible, and done seances when i shouldn't have, played with the Ouija when i should have, and generally seen and experienced some pretty freaky shit. In my last house, I would have nights laying in my bed, listen to my cats howling at something in the next room, and just praying it didn't come in my room. I've spent nights sleeping in the living with with all the lights on with another adult, because we were so terrified of the freaking crap that was going on in out house.

And it�s so silly. I can remember being ten, laying in my spooky bed in the school house haunted by dead old men and children, having to pee so badly, but so being so utterly terrified of getting out of the bed for fear that something was going to get me. Panicking, sweating, almost in tears. Then the bathroom urge would become unbearable, and I would make the flying leap off my bed for the door, run through the house as fast as I could just to get to the washroom (my parents bedroom was right outside the washroom � that also offered some comfort�and a lot of yelling about being quite and not running, etc, etc). Once I relieved myself I would then have to work up the courage to turn away from the light, and head back to my room and face my bed demons (for real). I would leap from the door to my bed in an Olympic medal winning effort to not be grabbed/caught, and praying nothing followed me. I would then lay in bed, waiting for my heartbeat to return to normal, and exhaustion to set in so I could fall asleep.

The ridiculous part is�this same pattern repeats itself even now. The whole pregnant thing ensures I have to visit the washroom regularly throughout the evening. Most nights, it�s okay. But on the nights my hubby works until 3a-4a, its sheer horror. Just having him or my Sis in the house makes it okay. But if they aren�t home, it�s like I�m ten all over again , and the thought of walking through the house in the dark terrifies me. And I wait as long as I can, and finally go out of desperation, racing back to the safety of bed, etc.

And worse, I�ve seen Babybear do it. I�ve been in my room, and he�s come in from being downstairs, and he runs up the stairs, across the hall, jumps on the bed and whips around in panic hoping nothing followed him. Then he saw me standing on the other side of the room, and was immediately embarrassed. I assured him it was okay, I knew how he felt, and sometimes felt that way too.

This is why I never turn him down when he asks to curl up with me in bed. I have a hard time sleeping on my own in the dark, and I�m almost 30. I can just imagine how terrified he must be sometimes. And I am living proof that forcing your kid to just deal with it DOES NOT resolve the situation, or �teach� them. It just makes them more scared and ashamed.

I�m still so panicky that I freak out if I am awake at night at the clock hits a certain time, cause bad things happen at that particular time. I can�t sleep if my closet door is even slightly cracked for fear of what is lurking in there.

Anyways � that�s it. I am a grown woman who is still afraid of things that go bump in the night. And sadly, I�m not kidding.

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